This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Still dying that you shit outside
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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