Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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