So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
