OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
