I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
