His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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