i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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