He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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