fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
