not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
