dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Its about making memories worth repressing
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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