My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
