I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
