i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
