see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
