the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize