Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
