she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Two words: blizzard sex
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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