when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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