Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
