i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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