I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
