i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
