i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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