he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
