I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
