oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
