our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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