I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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