Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
