I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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