Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
