My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
