please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
