i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize