The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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