I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
