I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
