All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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