I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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