Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
