Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
