The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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