Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
