Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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