she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
