A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize