i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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