This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
