I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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