I just made out with a guy for $7.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
