He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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