My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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