Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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