what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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