It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The adults are the big ones right?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
