That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
