We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Holy shit dude........stairs
There are leaves in my underwear?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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