the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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